In watching the tube this evening looking for the "all
math" channel I mused the around the idea of the "all 2 guys in Mexico"
channel. I mean they have an "all golf" channel, an "all cartoon" channel
already. For the love of the electromagnetic spectrum. Why not?
Let's check it out.
On 3 big screen TVs and several other smaller TVs people
in a sleepy sports bar look on to the play by play hosted by announcers
Bob Montana and Joe Calexico.
Quietly with tension in his voice announcer Bob Montana
"After a hard night of drinking, dancing, and drinking,
Jim and "Eric the Norse Man" use Mother Nature's own alarm clock. Yes,
beneath their tent a sharp stones in the back wake them to morning's glory
at the crack of dawn, 10 am. Dehydrated and confused they search for the
water bottle. Success. Washing the Mexican dust out their mouths and bringing
back life to their catatonic bodies they begin a discourse on the previous
Suddenly the, 'color man', Joe Calexico, takes the mic.
With a slight, yet noble, Spanish accent...
"You know Bob some people say that they best part of Mexico
is the sun, surf and people. But as any veteran will tell you, that has
nothing to do with it. No Bob, the best part is waking up and mulling over
the last nights events with your friends. Often times to replace unknown
gaps in one's own memory or to verify that yes you did eat that bacon rapped
mystery sausage from the street vendor.."
Bob the mic hog jumps back in interrupting Joe midstream....
"That's right John ...er... Joe, Mexico is a place of
Mucho Mysterias. That's many mysteries to you gringos out there! (boisterously)
Look closely folks, Jim is....yes.... Jim is pealing...
I can't quite see it... go to close up.... an orange! Woah! Look closely
ladies and gentleman. Jim is offering some to Eric the Norse Man
Oh! He does NOT take it. Folks if you watched last nights
episode you would know that Eric the Norse Man has refused nourishment
before. This may have severe consequences for Eric the Norse Man later
Joe Calexico splits Bob's pause directly in the middle....
"We're seeing a veteran at work here mis amigos."
"Indeed Jose. Seems like the morning discussion is over.
Jim looks as if ..... as if he's going to... oh yes.... Jim is going to
surf. Joe this is classic use of "the 4 Mexican vacation food groups".
1) A sharp stone in the back to bring an alert awakening,
2) discussion of the night's events for general bearing,
3) nourishment for... em...? nourishment,
4) and most importantly, the morning surf to bring them
Mentally and physically, and most importantly in the area
of "mass taco consumption", Eric may find himself at a severe disadvantage."
"Eric the Norse man will need to draw on his inner strength
today. Meditating on his 7 years at college. Using his experience as a
Jedi party master at Chico State."
"uh... lest we forget Joe, Jim was in college for 9 years...."
"Jim is walking back to camp. He makes the call to Eric.
"HEY ERIC, LET'S GET TACOS". Later in Rosarito Eric goes to the fish Taco
(Before the network can bleep it out Joe Calexico has
a peyote flash back. Prime-evilly Joe reverts back to his original Tiajuana
street vendor accent. Joe was discovered juggling 3 chainsaws (one for
each one of his children) in the streets of Tiajuana for money. Magicly
he would introduce a fresh trout into the already precarious juggle. With
his free hand he would cook up 3 tortillas. Lining the tortillas in a perfect
row on his table suddenly the fish would be trisected by the flying chainsaws
and each section would land in its own tortilla. Next he would catch the
chainsaws. Catching one in each hand and balancing the last on his head
he would say the only English he knew. "Ju wana tahco?". Joe was discovered
by the American TV show "That's Incredible" and he made his start in show
"Jes Boob, de tahcos is bery bery gud amigo. Ju gona hab
one my friend? Only fibe pesos. Fibe pesos mang. I tink.... jes, I tink...,
jes, these are de bes' tahcos in Mexico, No I tink day are de bes' in de
(Voices fade out and the camera pans the area as Rachero
music fades in.. "da da dump dump dump dump dump dump, da da dump dump
dump dump...." The last scene is of a tall Swedish girl with a perplexed
look about her... )